I sat still looking at the screen as my heart sank and all of our dreams of you disappeared. Just weeks before I sat on the edge of my bed and confessed to you that I was going to go after my dreams. As your mother, there would be no way I could encourage you to pursue yours if I was too fearful to ever pursue mine.
I watched the Sonographer struggle to find your heart beat. A few seconds before I had proudly proclaimed that I was 11 weeks and 5 days and your heartbeat was 163 the last time I saw you. Now after minutes of what felt like an eternity, in complete and utter shock I was forced to call my husband. I am not sure how I managed to get the words out but all I could say was “They can’t find the heartbeat” which was followed by my husband saying “No …. No ……No” . I imagine that those few words took all we had to say to one another.
This all couldn’t be happening again. Everything up until this point was perfect. All our blood work, all the ultrasounds were perfect. You were perfect. We followed every instruction to a T and yet no heartbeat.
Too weak to drive home, my husband came to my rescue. I could only remember running up to him and falling into his arms. I sobbed like never before the entire ride home and every day after.
Now I am sitting in my car listening to a woman cry on the radio about being stuck in life and not knowing where to turn. Scarred and fearful, I started remembering the day you got your wings and the promise I made to you weeks before. Here’s to you my angel.